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Meeting the Birthmother

birthmomWhen you’re thinking about the adoption process, there’s a lot of big moments to consider: the initial decision to adopt, finding that perfect birthmother, meeting your child for the first time. However, there are a lot of smaller moments mixed in there that, while you might not initially consider them, can cause substantial nerves once you’re facing them. One of those is meeting a birthmother for the first time. Below are some things to expect and consider as you get ready to meet a potential birthmother.

She will likely be nervous

When you go to meet a birthmother, you will likely be excited and a little nervous, but your excitement will mostly be of the anticipation variety. You’ll be hoping she likes you and, in at least a corner of your mind, hoping this is the woman who helps you become a parent. However, you need to keep in mind that she is going to be nervous for completely different reasons.

A birthmother is going through an emotionally difficult time in her life, no matter what her reasons for adoption are — pregnancy is always trying and nerve wracking, to a certain degree. She is likely worried that you’ll judge her circumstances, and may not want to talk much about what has led her to pursue adoption. Don’t think that her being guarded is a bad sign — she just might not be willing to open up quickly.

You may struggle to make conversation

Think about it — when you first meet a birthmother, the only thing you know you have in common is her pregnancy. She has a child, you want a child. The conversation may feel a little stilted and strained to start off, but remember, she was a person before she was pregnant. Be patient and help her talk about things beyond her pregnancy without prying too much. Talk about where she’s from, what her hobbies are, or ask if she has any questions about you.

You might not match

This is a tough one, but you have to keep in mind going in that not every birthmother matches with the first family they meet. The very fact that the term ‘match’ exists in the adoption industry lets you know that not every pair is going to be perfect for each other. Try not to go in with huge expectations or assuming this will be your child’s birthmother, as that can only lead to disappointment. Go in with an open mind and a willingness to get to know the woman you are meeting, but respect that the birthmother has to find a couple who feels right to her.