Coming to Terms With Infertility and Considering Adoption

For hopeful parents who have spent months or years trying to get pregnant, it can be hard to think about much else. Doctor visits and fertility treatments take up time, while each month can bring another round of waiting and disappointment. After a while, you may start to wonder how much longer you can keep doing this.

If you can’t get pregnant and have reached the point where you are curious about what comes next, you may already be tired of hearing about your options. You may also be asking yourself a harder question:

Am I ready to stop trying?

We have worked with hopeful adoptive parents since 1998, and many of those parents first came to us after infertility. Some felt sad or worn down. Some told us they felt like they had failed because pregnancy had not happened for them. We know that the first call about adoption can come after a lot of heartache.

If adoption has started to cross your mind, you are welcome to talk with us. You can ask questions, learn how newborn adoption works, and see how you feel about taking another step.

Coming to Terms With Infertility

Accepting infertility can be difficult even after you have decided to stop fertility treatment. You spent a long time hoping to get pregnant. Your feelings may take longer to change.

We have talked with hopeful parents who were interested in adoption and still found a friend’s pregnancy announcement painful. Others worried that considering adoption meant they had given up. Some needed a break after years of appointments and treatments before they wanted to think about anything else.

There is no set timetable for how to accept infertility. Talk with your partner about where you are, especially if one of you feels ready to move ahead before the other. Your fertility specialist can answer questions about medical care and any infertility options you are still considering.

There can be a heavy emotional side to infertility. Depression can affect your sleep, work, relationships, or daily life. If that is happening, consider talking with a qualified mental health professional who can give you the right support.

When You Start Thinking About Adoption

For some people, adoption begins as the option they never expected to need. It may even feel like their last option for parenthood. We have heard both of these sentiments from people who later chose to adopt.

Before you begin the adoption process, take some time to learn what adoption will ask of you as a parent. Your child will have their own story, and their birth family will be part of it. Think about how that feels to you.

One concern we hear is, “Will I feel like a real parent?”

That question can be hard to say out loud. If you have always pictured pregnancy as part of becoming a mother or father, you may have trouble imagining parenthood any other way. We have watched people who once worried about this go on to become parents through adoption. As they settled into life with their child, that old worry began to feel much less important.

We also get asked: “What if I get pregnant after we adopt?”

Some hopeful parents have heard stories about this happening and wonder how they would handle it. Questions about your chances of becoming pregnant after adopting are best discussed with your doctor. For the decision in front of you now, think about how you would feel raising an adopted child if you later became pregnant. This is worth talking through with your partner before you move ahead.

Are You Ready to Consider Adoption?

There is no test that can tell you if you are ready. After years of talking with hopeful parents, we have found that a few questions can help people think through what adoption would mean for their family.

• When you picture yourself as a parent, can you picture a child joining your family through adoption?
• Are you interested in your child’s story and the role their birth family may have in their life?
• Can you picture adoption as the way you build your family?
• How do you feel when you think about an expectant mother getting to know you and considering you as a parent for her child?
• If you have a partner, are both of you ready to learn more about adoption?

You may know how you feel about some of these questions right away. Others may give you something to talk about with your partner. You can always learn more about newborn adoption before deciding if you want to move ahead.

Looking Ahead to Parenthood

We often notice a change in the questions people ask once adoption starts to feel possible to them. Usually, the questions become more specific.

• How does the adoption process work?
• What will an expectant mother want to know about us?
• What goes into an adoption home study?
• What might open adoption look like after placement?

These questions matter because newborn adoption involves much more than the hope of becoming a parent. An expectant mother is making decisions about her child and getting to know adoptive families she may consider for her baby. If she chooses adoption, she decides what she wants for her adoption plan and what kind of contact she hopes to have with the adoptive family.

Understanding the expectant mother’s side of adoption can help you see the people involved and the responsibility that comes with being chosen to parent a child.

If infertility brought you to this page, you may still be working through some of the feelings that came with it. Our advice is to start with the questions you have today. Learn what it means to adopt a baby and what the process would ask of you as a parent.

Angel Adoption can help you understand those parts of newborn adoption and answer the questions that matter to you and your family.