Open Adoption Connections: Getting to Know Prospective Adoptive Parents

If you’re pregnant and considering adoption, a prospective adoptive family’s profile can tell you quite a bit about them. But we’ve found that it’s often the first conversation that helps an expectant mother begin to understand who a family is beyond the photos and written introduction.

You may want to know what their everyday life looks like, why they are choosing adoption, or what kind of parents they hope to be. If you’re considering an open adoption, you may also want to understand how they picture your relationship continuing after placement. These are all important things to discuss, and you should feel comfortable asking about what matters to you.

Early conversations aren’t about finding perfect answers or making an immediate decision. They’re a chance to listen, ask questions, and decide whether you would like to continue getting to know a prospective adoptive family.

Why Early Connections Can Be Helpful

When we help expectant mothers consider prospective adoptive families, we encourage them to look beyond the information in a family profile. Profiles are a useful starting point, but there are things you can learn much more naturally through conversation.

You might talk about their families, careers, neighborhood, traditions, parenting values, or plans for childcare. You can also ask how they plan to talk with their child about adoption, what they hope their relationship with you will look like, and how they would handle changes in that relationship over time.

Sometimes the smaller details tell you quite a bit, too. How they spend weekends and holidays, what they enjoy doing together, and the role extended family plays in their lives can help you picture everyday life in their family. You aren’t conducting an interview. You’re getting to know people you may ultimately consider as an adoptive family for your child.

What Is the First Conversation With an Adoptive Family Like?

There isn’t one way these conversations are supposed to go. Some expectant mothers arrive with a list of questions. Others prefer to start with everyday conversation and see where it leads. Both approaches can work.

We’ve found that beginning with something you noticed in the family’s profile can make the first few minutes easier. You might ask about a hobby you share, where they live, their pets, their work, or something they wrote about their family. Once everyone is a little more comfortable, it is often easier to move on to the questions that are more important to you.

Prospective adoptive parents may be nervous as well. They may be thinking carefully about what to ask and worrying about saying the wrong thing. The conversation doesn’t need to be polished to be meaningful. What matters more is whether you feel listened to, respected, and comfortable being yourself.

Questions You May Want to Ask Prospective Adoptive Parents

One question we hear regularly is, “What should I ask the adoptive family?” Our answer usually starts with another question: What do you need to know to feel comfortable considering them?

There is no required list of questions for adoptive parents. What matters to one expectant mother may be very different from what matters to another. Still, these questions can give you a useful place to begin:

• Why do you want to adopt a baby?
• What does an ordinary day in your family look like?
• What are you most looking forward to about parenting?
• How would you describe your parenting values?
• How involved are your extended families?
• What is your neighborhood or community like?
• What are your plans for childcare?
• How do you plan to talk with your child about being adopted?
• How would you talk about me as the child grows up?
• What does open adoption mean to you?
• What kind of contact do you picture after placement?
• How would you handle it if our relationship or contact needs changed over time?

You don’t need to work your way through every question. In our experience, a genuine conversation often answers questions you hadn’t even reached yet and brings up new ones you hadn’t thought to ask. These are helpful adoption questions for adoptive parents you’re considering, but the most meaningful questions may be the personal ones or those specific to what matters to you.

Talking Honestly About Open Adoption

The word “open” can mean very different things to different people. That’s why we encourage expectant mothers and prospective adoptive parents to talk specifically about what they imagine rather than simply agreeing that they both want an open adoption.

For one family, openness might include pictures, updates, and phone calls. Another relationship might include texting, video calls, visits, or a combination of different kinds of contact. There isn’t one arrangement that works for every family. Adoption connections can look different depending on the people involved and the kind of relationship they hope to build.

Ask prospective adoptive parents what they picture. If visits are important to you, say that. If you’re unsure how much contact you might want, it’s okay to say that, too. These conversations are more useful when everyone can be honest about what they hope for rather than trying to give the answer they think someone else wants to hear.

There are legal considerations as well. When it comes to open adoption, rules governing post-adoption contact agreements and their legal enforceability vary by state and by the specifics of the adoption. An adoption attorney can explain what applies in your situation, while your adoption specialist can help you think through the practical expectations you want to discuss with a prospective family.

Pay Attention to How the Family Communicates With You

After helping many expectant mothers through these early conversations, we’ve learned that the questions a family answers are only part of what matters. How they respond can tell you something, too.

Do they listen without interrupting? Do they answer difficult questions thoughtfully? Are they willing to talk specifically about openness instead of giving vague assurances? Do they seem interested in learning about you as a person, rather than focusing only on your pregnancy and baby?

You may also notice how you feel after the conversation is over. Perhaps you feel more comfortable and want to speak with them again. Maybe you realize there are things you still need to understand. Or you may decide that, although they seem like good people, they aren’t the family you want to continue considering.

Those reactions are worth paying attention to. Getting to know a family should give you more information to consider, not leave you feeling pressured to make a particular decision.

Let the Relationship Develop at a Comfortable Pace

If the first conversation goes well, you may decide to talk again. Depending on your circumstances, that could mean additional calls, messages, video conversations, or an in-person meeting coordinated with your adoption specialist.

We’ve seen some connections develop fairly quickly, and others take more time. There is no benefit in trying to force closeness simply because adoption is being discussed. A genuine relationship has room for more questions, occasional awkwardness, and time to learn about one another.

It’s also important to keep the relationship in perspective. Becoming close to prospective adoptive parents doesn’t mean you have to make decisions before you’re ready. Your adoption specialist can help keep communication clear while giving you space to continue considering what you want.

Frequently Asked Questions About Meeting Prospective Adoptive Parents

You Have Support During These Conversations

You don’t have to figure out what to ask or how to handle every conversation on your own. Whether you’re choosing adoption or still deciding whether it’s right for you, having an experienced adoption specialist involved can help you understand your options and prepare for these conversations.

As you explore the adoption process for birth mothers, your specialist can help you review prospective families, prepare questions, think through the type of adoption and future contact you may want, and talk afterward about anything that left you uncertain. If you’re working on an adoption plan, those conversations can also help clarify which preferences matter most to you.

Angel Adoption’s birth mother resources and support for birth mothers can provide additional information as you consider your options. You can ask questions and learn more about the process without being expected to have all of your decisions made.

If you’re a prospective adoptive parent who found this article while preparing for an early conversation, we have a companion resource written specifically for you: Questions Every Adoptive Parent Should Ask Birthmothers. It explains how to approach these conversations thoughtfully, what you may want to ask, and why listening is just as important as having questions prepared.