How It All Began...
Trusting My Heart
When I started considering my path to motherhood, I first considered fertility treatments, but it didn’t feel like the right fit. My sister was adopted, and the more I trusted my heart, the more I was drawn to adoption and the path my family was familiar with.
I spoke with a number of adoption agencies and continued to hear that I was not the “ideal candidate.” I was “too single” and “too old.” While everyone was willing to work with me, their lack of confidence made me hesitant. As part of my research, I met with a small local home study agency that referred me to Angel. Angel’s warmth and diversity were welcome differences. My dad came with me to my initial meeting, and we were both impressed and felt so welcome. Angel was the first and only encounter that I had with an agency that was willing to advocate for me before I even joined their program.
A Roller Coaster Ride
Once I joined Angel’s program, my excitement outweighed my nerves, and I was convinced I would adopt quickly. I had been prepared by my social worker and Angel that this could be a long journey, but I honestly did not think that would apply to me.
Not long into my wait with Angel, my profile was selected, and I was overjoyed. I communicated with the expectant mother for a couple months, and when it came time to hire attorney services, our communication halted, and we found out she ultimately chose to parent.
I went through two more opportunities before my fourth connection. These were short-lived opportunities, and my heart broke more for the expectant mothers than it did for me.
When I was chosen a fourth time by an expectant mother, I was just as excited as the first time and was able to build a beautiful relationship with the expectant mother, which included meeting her in person. About one week before her expected due date, she stopped communicating with me, and I found out later she chose to parent. I truly loved her and the baby and looked forward to building a family together, so after the loss, I had to take time to grieve. I wasn’t upset with her choice and I wanted what was best for her and her child, but it still hurt nonetheless.
Fifth Time’s a Charm
After this disruption, I was starting to question if I could continue through the process. I was emotionally drained and wasn’t sure I was strong enough to handle another disruption. As I was questioning if I could continue to move forward, Angel contacted me with a fifth opportunity. Angel seemed hopeful for this one, but I was still hesitant. After just one conversation with the expectant mother, however, I knew she was different from the other women I had previously spoken with. Her questions to me were pointed, thoughtful, and with purpose, and it was evident she was really considering the family she was choosing for her child. After only one conversation, I offered to visit her in her home state. I knew it was soon and bold, but she was thrilled at the offer, and we were able to have a great time together. We continued to build a loving relationship throughout her pregnancy.
About one week before she was due, my dad and I flew down to her home state to prepare for the delivery. She told me she was headed to the doctor one afternoon because she felt like she was in labor, but the doctor sent her home, telling her she still had time. The next morning, I woke up to a text that she had gone to the hospital overnight and had delivered her son. When we arrived at the hospital, we were given our own room, and when the nurse brought my son, Ronan, in, I could barely breathe. He was perfect and instantly felt like my son. Our time in the hospital was emotional, balancing Ronan’s time between me and his birthmother. She and I had built a strong connection, and I wanted to support her as best I could while also respecting how difficult this time was for her.
Upon discharging from the hospital, I was prepared to stay in Ronan’s birth state pending our approval to head home. I was not prepared for what would happen next, which was a one-month stay while the attorney and agency navigated an unexpected birthfather situation. In the end, the birthfather did not follow through with the necessary steps, and I was allowed to fly home with Ronan. Every day until that day was filled with nerves and what ifs. When we finally landed back home, I could not help but cry. It had been such a long journey to that point, and it was a relief to have my son safe at home with me.
An Immeasurable Love
Coming into the adoption process, I felt as though I was prepared for anything. While I did feel prepared at the time, looking back, there was no amount of educational classes or homework I could have done to be ready for my journey to Ronan. I found through my journey that I was continuing to hold two open spaces in my heart: one for my dreams for my child and one for my child’s birthmother’s dreams for her child. I still hold those two spaces today, and the love that I carry with me for Ronan’s birthmother, and all the women before her, is immeasurable.