Adoption Questions to Ask a Birth Mother: A Guide for Prospective Parents

Talking with an expectant mother for the first time can make even the most prepared prospective adoptive parents nervous. We hear some version of the same question: What if I say the wrong thing?

Usually, that worry comes from a good place. You want her to feel comfortable. You don’t want to pry. At the same time, you probably have your own questions and may not know which ones are appropriate to ask.

Our advice is to take some pressure off that first conversation. You don’t need to say everything perfectly or get through a long list of adoption questions. You’re getting to know each other. Start there.

An expectant mother isn’t someone you’re interviewing to determine whether she is a good fit for your family. She is considering a deeply personal decision about her pregnancy and her child’s future, and she may be nervous about this conversation, too.

Start With Conversation, Not a Checklist

It helps to prepare a few questions beforehand, especially when nerves make it difficult to know where to begin. Just keep the list in the background.

We’ve seen conversations become much more comfortable once prospective adoptive parents stop worrying about their next question and simply respond to what the expectant mother is saying. If she mentions a hobby you also enjoy, ask about it. If she tells you about a family tradition, let that become part of the conversation. Those moments may seem like small talk, but they’re often how people begin to find some common ground.

You may finish without asking half the questions you prepared. That’s perfectly fine. If you both want to continue getting to know each other, there can be another conversation.

Questions That Can Help You Get to Know Her

Some of the best questions to ask a birth mother have very little to do with adoption. Think about what you would want to know about anyone you were genuinely hoping to understand better.

You could ask:

• What do you enjoy doing in your free time?
• What kinds of music, movies, books, or shows do you like?
• What is your family like?
• Are there family traditions that are especially important to you?
• What are you passionate about?
• Is there anything you’d like us to know about you that we haven’t talked about yet?
• What would you like to know about us?

These may sound like simple questions, but don’t underestimate them. An expectant mother may already have spent a great deal of time talking about her pregnancy and adoption. Giving her room to talk about the rest of her life can change the feel of the conversation.

If you discover something you have in common, share it. If she asks about you, answer honestly. This should feel like a conversation, not a questionnaire.

Find Out What Matters to Her in an Adoptive Family

Prospective adoptive parents understandably spend a lot of time thinking about what they want to ask. We often remind families that the expectant mother is getting to know them at the same time. A few thoughtful questions for a birth mother can help you understand what matters to her and what she may still want to know about you.

Consider asking:

• What qualities are important to you in an adoptive family?
• Was there something in our family profile that stood out to you?
• Is there anything about us you’d like to know more about?
• Are there traditions, values, or experiences you hope your child will grow up with?
• Is there something you would like an adoptive family to understand about you?

It can be tempting to hear something she wants and immediately explain how your family can provide it. You don’t need to turn every answer into a reason she should choose you. If something she describes genuinely fits your family, talk about it. If it doesn’t, be honest about that, too.

We’ve found that honesty serves everyone better than trying to give an expectant mother the answers you think she wants to hear.

Talk About What Open Adoption Means to Each of You

The type of adoption you’re considering will shape some of these conversations. Even within open adoption, though, the relationship can look different from one family to another. One person may envision photos and updates, while someone else imagines texts, video calls, visits, or a combination of contact. Don’t assume that using the same term means you already have the same expectations.

That’s why we encourage prospective adoptive parents to get more specific.

You might ask:

• What kind of contact are you hoping for after placement?
• How often would you like to stay in touch?
• Are visits something you hope will be part of the relationship?
• Are there other family members you hope will remain connected to the child?
• What would help an open adoption relationship feel comfortable to you?

When talking about open adoption with birth mothers, one of the most important things you can do is be realistic. Don’t promise a level of contact simply because you’re afraid that saying otherwise could affect the connection. We’ve seen how important it is for people to say what they actually hope for, even when the answer is, “I’m not sure, but I’d like to keep talking about that.”

Ask How She Hopes Her Child Will Know Her

Here’s a question prospective adoptive parents don’t always think to ask: What would you like your child to know about you?

Her answer may take the conversation somewhere you didn’t expect. She may want her child to know about her personality, her family, where certain traits came from, traditions she grew up with, or the things she loves. There may be photographs, stories, cultural connections, or pieces of family history she hopes will remain part of her child’s life.

You can also ask how she hopes you will talk about her and the adoption as the child grows up.

You won’t figure out years of future conversations in one meeting. What you’re beginning to understand is how she hopes her child will know her—not simply as “the birth mother,” but as a real person with a family, history, and story of her own.

Some Questions Are Better Handled by Your Adoption Specialist

Sooner or later, you may have more sensitive questions. Medical history. Prenatal care. Substance use. The baby’s father. Financial circumstances. Difficult parts of her personal history. While some of that information may be important, it doesn’t mean you should ask her about it yourself during an early conversation.

There may already be information available to you, or your specialist can help you determine the best way to address the question. Just as your own adoption home study handles important parts of your background and preparation, some information is better addressed through the formal adoption process than during an early conversation.

Prospective adoptive parents are often relieved to hear that they aren’t expected to gather every piece of information themselves. Knowing which questions are better handled by the professionals involved can help you keep these early conversations focused on getting to know one another.

Don’t Ask Her to Reassure You About Her Decision

This can be difficult, particularly once you’ve begun to feel connected to an expectant mother.

You may want to know whether she’s certain or feel reassured that everything will happen the way you’re beginning to imagine. We understand why. Waiting without certainty is hard, but those aren’t reassurances an expectant mother should be asked to give you.

Avoid asking her to promise that she will place her baby with you or repeatedly confirm that she has made up her mind. An expectant mother may be making an adoption plan, but she still needs room to make her own decisions without also feeling responsible for your hopes or fears.

When the adoption process and uncertainty feel difficult, talk to your adoption specialist. That’s a better place to ask what happens next and work through the emotions that can come with waiting.

Make Sure She Has a Chance to Ask You Questions

At some point, stop asking questions.

That may sound like strange advice in an article about questions to ask a birth mother when adopting, but it’s important. Give her room to decide where the conversation goes next.

She may want to know why you want to adopt a baby, what a normal Saturday looks like at your house, how you plan to parent, what your extended family is like, or how you picture an open adoption several years from now.

Sometimes she’ll ask something you weren’t prepared for. Take a moment and answer honestly.

One simple question we’ve found useful near the end of these conversations is: “Is there anything you’d like to ask us or anything else you’d like us to know?”

Then give her time to answer.

If you’re an expectant mother who found this article while looking for guidance from your side of the conversation, our companion resource, Open Adoption Connections: Getting to Know Prospective Adoptive Parents, walks through questions you may want to ask and what to consider as you get to know an adoptive family.

A Good Conversation Doesn’t Have to Be Perfect

After helping families prepare for these conversations over the years, we’ve learned that a good first conversation rarely comes down to asking all the right questions. It may wander. There may be an awkward pause. You may remember something important five minutes after it’s over.

What matters is whether you gave each other room to talk, ask questions, and begin getting to know one another. If there is another conversation, you’ll have another opportunity to learn more.

Your adoption specialist can help you prepare beforehand and talk through anything that comes up afterward. You don’t have to settle everything the first time you speak.