Adoption Gifts: What to Give a Birth Mother or Birth Father

Choosing an adoption gift for your child’s birth mother or birth father may feel harder than you expected. You want to give them something meaningful, but then the questions start. Is a gift appropriate right now? How much is too much? What do you give someone when an ordinary thank-you gift doesn’t seem to fit the situation?

We have helped families through newborn adoption since 1998, and we understand why people get stuck on this. There isn’t one gift we tell families to buy. Where you are in the adoption process matters, especially if an expectant mother is still making decisions about her child.

Before you start shopping, it helps to know what is appropriate at each stage of adoption.

Before You Buy a Gift, Think About the Timing

A gift given after placement is different from one given while an expectant mother is still considering adoption.

Before placement, she is making decisions about her child. You don’t want a gift to make her feel that something has been given in return for choosing adoption or your family.

There can also be legal limits on what prospective adoptive parents may provide during an adoption. The rules vary by state and by circumstance. Before giving cash, gift cards, an expensive item, or anything else of significant value, talk with your adoption professional or attorney.

If you’re wondering about a particular gift, ask before buying it. This is especially important before placement.

What Makes a Gift Appropriate?

Start with what feels comfortable for the relationship you have right now.

If you have only recently met an expectant mother, a small gift may make more sense than something expensive or highly personal. If you have spent more time together, you may already know what she likes and what she would feel comfortable receiving.

Think about the message behind the gift too. An item that assumes a certain kind of relationship after placement may feel premature if you haven’t talked about future contact yet.

Birth Mother Gift Ideas

If you are searching for a birth mother gift, you may find plenty of items made specifically for adoption. You don’t have to choose one of these typical or ordinary adoption gifts.

Think about your gift recipient: Maybe she has mentioned a favorite snack or loves to read. She may appreciate something useful after leaving the hospital. What you already know about her can help you decide.

A few options include:

• A small care package with snacks or personal items she likes
• A journal and pen set if she enjoys writing
• A book you think she would enjoy
• Flowers, if you know she likes receiving them
• A small, personalized keepsake
• Something connected to one of her interests

We sometimes see families worry that a small gift won’t be enough for such an important moment. It doesn’t have to carry that much weight.

If you include a card or letter, write it in your own voice. You can tell her something you appreciate about her or acknowledge the time you have spent getting to know each other. A few sincere sentences are enough.

Should You Bring a Gift to the Hospital?

This is one of those situations where it is better to ask beforehand.

Giving birth is physically and emotionally demanding. An expectant mother may want company at one point and privacy later. She may want time alone with her baby. Plans can change once everyone is at the hospital.

Talk with your adoption professional about the birth mother’s adoption plan and what would be appropriate. If you do bring a gift, something small and easy for her to take home may be a good choice.

Pay attention to what she wants while you’re there. Giving an adoption gift can wait if the timing doesn’t feel right.

What Can You Give a Birth Father?

If the birth father is involved and you have gotten to know him, you may want to give him something too.

Again, don’t feel pressured to find an adoption-themed gift. Think about what you know about him. A book, something related to an interest, or a small item he can keep may fit. If you haven’t spent much time together, a simple card may feel more natural.

His gift also doesn’t need to match what you give the birth mother. They are two different people, and your relationship with each of them is likely different.

Be Thoughtful About Adoption Thank You Gifts

Families sometimes search for adoption thank you gifts because gratitude is part of what they’re feeling. We understand the impulse. The harder part can be deciding what you’re saying thank you for.

An expectant mother is making decisions about her child’s future. A gift should never suggest that you’re thanking her for giving you a baby.

Think instead about what you can sincerely thank her for. Maybe you appreciate the trust she has shown while getting to know you. Perhaps there was a conversation that meant a great deal to you.

You may have a lot of feelings that don’t fit neatly into a card. They don’t have to. Lean into the meaningful moments and use them.

What About Gifts After Placement?

Gift-giving may feel different after placement, particularly once everyone has had some time to settle into the relationship.

If you decide on an open adoption, you can ask your child’s birth parents what types of things they would like to receive. Gifts may become something you exchange on certain occasions, or they may not. Some birth parents may prefer no gifts, and only the specific contact you’ve agreed on instead.

You don’t have to decide at placement what gift-giving will look like years later. You will have opportunities to talk about this as your relationship develops.

A Few Things to Remember Before You Choose

It is easy to spend a long time browsing adoption gifts because you’re trying to find something that feels right in the moment. Give yourself permission to keep it simple.

Make sure the gift is appropriate for where you are in the adoption. Ask your adoption professional when you’re unsure about legal or financial limits. Then choose something you feel comfortable giving without expecting anything in return.

The relationship you have with your child’s birth parents will involve much more than the gift you choose today.