Raising an Adopted Child

Research shows that all children have similar levels of understanding about at roughly the same age whether or not they were adopted. (Rutgers University, Brodzinsky).

Children tend to develop their understanding from their social environment instead of talking with their parent's. Research has also found that a child's knowledge and understanding of adoption changes in predictable ways as they grow up.

Children learn who the parents and siblings are and how everyone ended up being a family in the same house. Some families are blended with step parents, step siblings, half siblings and some have people who were adopted.

As a child grows and begins to learn about reproduction and birth, social relationships, values, and legal and social institutions their understanding develops and changes. This is why it is often said, "adoption is a lifelong process."

An adopted child may need to hear their adoption story retold repeatedly as they grow up and process the story during different stages of life. As our adopted child hears the story of their adoption told they will focus on different aspects of it at different developmental stages.

During the first several years of a child's life attachment with the parents is the most important issue. Adopted newborn behavior relationships with their mother and father is not much different then a biological baby's behavior would be.

The biggest differences between biological and adopted newborns appear the most with the adoptive parents feelings and behaviors. When dealing with the ordinary issues all parents of new babies face, such as colic and fussiness, adoptive parents often worry their instincts aren't working right or that they would know what to do if they were the biological parents.

It's important for parents who adopt newborns to understand the normal developmental milestones and stages all babies go through. Bonding and attachment occurs during the years from birth to age three. Many of the normal stages of attachment can be difficult for any parent to understand and overcome.

It is easy for adoptive parents to find themselves wondering if their adopted infant is experiencing an adoption related attachment issue. "Is there something wrong with attachment because my 16 month old will not allow me to leave the room without screaming?" Usually, the answer is, "No. This is typical for most children this age."

Typically, children adopted as a newborn are told the adoption story many times as they grow up. While children adopted as newborns do process the story of their lives at certain developmental stages, parenting a child from birth to the age of three is pretty much the same no matter how the baby joins the family.

Children during this developmental stage enjoy hearing their adoption story told over and over again and will repeat it to anyone willing to listen. Adopted children at this age may think all children were adopted and that all moms and dads adopt children.

Adoption themes may become a part of play both at home and with friends. At this time, parents begin to set the foundation for future conversations about adoption information. Parents may begin to introduce terms that will make sense to the child later. This is the age to create a positive attitude so future discussions will be comfortable for everyone.

Sometime between the ages of three and four, children begin to understand they were once a baby and one day they will grow up and become a mommy or daddy. This is the age when children typically start to ask questions such as, "Did I grow in your tummy, mommy?" and "Where do babies come from?" These questions offer adoptive parents an opportunity to plant seeds of true information in our child's mind about what adoption means to us and to them.

Between the ages of four and six years old, most children begin to realize, it takes a mommy and daddy to make a baby. The adopted child also begins to understand that this is not the same mommy and daddy they live with now. This is the age when children begin to understand adoption in a very basic way and how families are made.

During the early elementary school years, children start to understand the concept of adoption and the loss it means for them. They conclude that in order to be adopted they had to lose something--the chance to grow up with biological relatives.

Adopted children begin to understand they don't have what other children have; they are different from their peers. If the adopted child looks different then their parents they may feel even more different from their peers who typically blend in with their families.

At the same time adopted children begin to understand what adoption means, so do the other children who were not adopted. Peers may begin to ask questions:

• "Why were you given away?"
• "Why didn't your real mom keep you?"
• "Why do you look different from your parents?"

School-age children begin to think more about adoption and what that means to them. They think about their birth parents and why they were placed for adoption. At this age, research has found children formulate three main reasons why they were placed for adoption:

• Some negative characteristics of themselves.
• Their birth parents' financial problems.
• Their birth parents' lack of time to care for a baby.

Some adopted children will ask the same questions and are satisfied with any information parents give them. The key for parents is to be ready for the questions and talk openly with the adopted child about their feelings. It can be difficult to understand how an adopted child is coming to terms with their feelings about adoption. It is important that adoptive parents are not threatened or defensive about an adopted child's feelings of loss and difference. This is part of growing up and understanding what it means to be adopted.

All children need to feel successful in all areas of development: academic, social, and emotional. For adopted children he or she must also incorporate their adoption or foster care status into their view of themselves. Some studies actually show that the self-esteem of an adopted child is often high or even higher then their non-adopted peers.

As an adopted child learns to understand that "adoption" means a "loss" of their birth family, they may go through a grieving process. This process is much the same as grieving when someone the child loves dies. Children go through similar stages of denial. Adopted children may decide the adoption never happened or can be reversed.

Children overcoming Grief move from denial to anger at those who left them. Sometimes the grief and anger is misdirected toward the adoptive parents because they just happen to be there. Children also experience sadness because they know their lives were changed. Something that could have been is not going to happen. Adopted children usually reach some kind of acceptance and overcome grief.

As Children enter later elementary school years, they begin to think of the implications of being adopted, what do other people, especially their friends, think about them? Do their Adoptive parents love them less because they were not born to them? These feelings all tie into the reasons an adopted child thinks they were placed by or removed from their birth parents. Some important things to remember with elementary school age adopted children are:

• Be Sensitive to the fact children in this age group just want to Fit In and be the same as all the other kids.
• Adopted children at this age would rather not be singled out because they are adopted.
• Read stories about adoption, as well as ones that only mentions adoption in passing.
• When a new baby is born into the family or a peer of your child's family, take the opportunity to talk about some of  the other ways children join families.
• Teach them about other adopted people who are famous or made great contributions to the world.

Children move through grief at their own pace, some stages of grief last longer then others and some stages will repeat during different developmental stages. No matter how a child grieves loss, parents can help them develop self-esteem and overcome the grief. This is an important developmental stage for an adopted child and one that adoptive parents want our children to experience while they are young.

Adoptive parents need to avoid brushing over the grief they may see expressed by their child. Parents who are not supportive and accepting of this stage of development run the risk of being emotionally cut off from their adopted child. Children who follow the normal developmental milestones will be more emotionally secure.

Our children face many different developmental stages and milestones along the way to adolescence. As little preschool children they began to understand "How" adoption happens. While in the elementary school years adopted children explored "Why" adoption happens. By the time an adopted child reaches adolescence they need to determine how adoption has shaped their lives in specific ways.

Adoptive parents can help their children move through this stage of adolescence by sharing the information they have about the biological family. Discussing the future and some of the reunion options they may or may not have. Sharing photographs of the biological family, birth parents and other siblings may help them connect with their genetic origins.

Adopted children have abstract thoughts about what it means to be adopted and what does it mean to have been adopted by these parents? What is different about how I grew up? What would it have been like to grow up with my birth family? Adolescents need more information in order to develop a healthy sense of independence.

Critical thinking skills are a developmental milestone for all growing teenagers. Perhaps, one of the most important skills is a sense of independence and acceptance of their own identity. Honest and true answers to our adopted child's questions gives them the freedom to think and process all the facts that make them who they are for themselves.

Adoptive parents sometimes see a streak of independence as a rejection of them and may wonder, "If we aren't connected biologically, what will keep us as a family when our child no longer needs us everyday?" Adoptive parents need to keep strong in their hearts the comfort knowing that what has made all of them a family all along--the quality of their with their children and the security and attachment they have built--will withstand separation.